I mothered my ex-husband right out of our marriage.
I didn’t see it while it was happening. That’s the part that still bothers me.
By the end I’d stopped being his partner and started treating him like he was about five years old. It crept in.
First I took over our shared calendar. Then I was reminding him about the thing he forgot last time, and handing him advice he never asked for, because I could see where it was going and figured I’d save us both the trouble.
I thought I was being helpful. I was, in my own head anyway. Somewhere in there the ‘helping’ turned into me running the whole show, and I didn’t notice until it was too late.
He got quieter and made fewer plans. When we disagreed he’d let it drop instead of standing his ground.
After a while he was checking with me before he did much of anything. He’d figured out that whatever he landed on, I’d probably have some opinion so he quit lending his.
As time went on, he kept the peace and went missing from our life together.
Meanwhile I felt wrung out. I’d lost track of myself somewhere along the way. I couldn’t tell the last time I felt romantic about him and not like I was an emotional labor support animal.
Turns out that being mothered, from a man’s side of it, reads as a loss of respect. Every time I fixed his sentences or stepped in before he could get something wrong, I was telling him I didn’t trust him, and that what he brought wasn’t quite enough.
At the time I’d have sworn I meant the opposite. But all he heard when I wanted things my way was that his wasn’t ever quite right. At first, I thought this was just what love meant. You did stuff for each other. Like I was the capable one.
But this wasn’t my job, and I didn’t realize until I got fired from it.
I figured this out about 6 months too late, right around the time the divorce papers were signed.
Don’t let it happen to you.
Much love,
To get my help feeling like a cherished partner and not an emotional support animal, check out Understanding Men here.
How To Repair a Disconnect Without Talking It To Death
Every Friday I have a standing date night with my partner.
Divorce Was Hard. But Here's What Really Made It Hell
In November of 2015, right after my husband left, I became a daily fixture at possibly the smallest gym in mid-Missouri.
I can so relate. Being a highly motivated, capable, and efficient woman reaps so many rewards in the workplace and can create a completely terrible relationship pattern when the other side has challenges expressing their needs and/or has lazy / don’t stir the pot tendencies. Have spent the last few years really leaning into the concept that the Masculine adores the Feminine and the Feminine surrenders to the Masculine. Which to me means the Feminine needs to relax enough for the Masculine to initiate, and then the Feminine, the creators, weave magic.