Duty and obligation kill romantic love.
I learned that from my marriage counselor in our first session. I had gone to save my marriage. He told me to file for divorce.
Not eventually, “after I thought about it more.” Right now.
Real quick…
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When I asked him to explain, he said:
“If all things were equal, would you rather be blissfully happy and legally divorced or unhappy and legally married?
The legal marriage contract didn’t save you from this situation. And you’ll trash the relationship forever if you keep telling your ex husband he is wrong about wanting to leave you.”
Clearly, I wanted the blissfully happy version of us.
Eventually I realized I had been trying to gain security from symbols instead of the other way around.
Both of my engagement rings were truly gorgeous.
And both times I wore them, I was secretly miserable, hoping that if I finally got to the marriage after getting the ring, it would make the sick, nagging, fearful feeling of unworthiness go away.
What I really wanted was security.
Certainty someone would love me forever. That I WAS lovable forever.
Something to protect against the threat of being told what I had always feared, that I was unworthy of his love or anyone else’s.
I’m not proud to say that chasing a commitment was all about me.
Not how excited I was to spend time with this specific person. Or even a fantasy about the life we might build together.
The behavior that caused men to fall in love with me and propose was exactly what would have helped me keep their love.
But as soon as unlocking the next life achievement became my priority, the light, fun, connected version of me totally disappeared.
What I did in the beginning of my relationships was almost never what I did in the middle of them, which in turn became the end.
So if you’re hoping for the fairy tale that marriage has come to represent— remember that symbols are just faint evidence of the life you REALLY want… someone delicious who you wake up excited to be with and whose face lights up in your presence. Someone you can build a life with.
I still like a good piece of finger art.
But a commitment cannot serve as proof of your lovability, otherwise it will never work.
To feel more love and connection anytime you want, check out The Love Magnet Meditation.
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This resonated so deeply with me. Thank you for this beautiful reminder, Elizabeth.
It’s refreshing to hear someone admit that treating marriage as a merit badge for lovability is a guaranteed way to sabotage a genuine connection. We too often expect a piece of jewelry to provide the security that we can only build for ourselves.