How To Repair a Disconnect Without Talking It To Death

The night I almost lost it— and the simple move that fixed it

Every Friday I have a standing date night with my partner.

Earlier in the week I sent him a link to an article I wrote. He didn’t respond at all.

He kept sending his usual good morning text but didn’t say very much.

When he called to confirm our plans, there is no hiding my disappointment. I’m on the verge of tears and also in a particularly low mood, so I warn him.

He doesn’t understand my disappointment until I mention the article.

He sounds crestfallen. He apologizes and explains he missed my message.

I can tell it’s genuine, but also now we’re veering into “deep, dark relationship talk” territory.

I've practically got my dynamite loaded up and it's nearly ready to blow.

Before it goes off the rails on the phone, I say I’ll still come over.

On the drive over, I keep dodging my extreme and unhelpful thoughts about our relationship like I’m playing Frogger.

I’m expecting this to go badly, not because I want that to be true, but because I’m quickly nearing “what the heck are we even doing here?!” territory and I know it.

It’s a slow moving train wreck that I’m trying hard to look away from but there is no hiding it.

He does something totally new.

When I get to his house, he is waiting outside.

He comes over to my car smiling big.

He hugs me, kisses me a bunch of times until I can’t help laughing.

Before I can get a word in, he tells me he was really looking forward to seeing me.

He explains how slammed he was with work and home repair.

He says there is no excuse and apologizes again for missing my message.

He repeats how much he had been looking forward to seeing me, which is such a surprise that I asked him why.

He says something about how he couldn’t wait for sanity to return, but it’s cute, he’s caught off guard by the question.

He tells me more about his week and I take a deep breath, relax and exhale.

Having a deep, dark relationship talk was suddenly completely unnecessary and we had a wonderful evening.

Why did this approach work so ridiculously well?

He kept his peace of mind and solved the problem directly— in the present moment, using the most effective way that occurred to him.

He didn't let my mood drag him down with it.

Instead of falling for it, he gave me what I actually wanted instead of trying to negotiate with my upset feelings.

He understands that behind every complaint is a request.

What I wanted was his presence, affection, and to be seen, to be witnessed.

That was what I was actually doing by sharing the link to my work with him.

He hadn't been present with me throughout the week, so that was why I was disappointed in the first place. The effect of his inattention was stacking up.

With a clearer state of mind, I know good and well that complaining about what anyone is doing is probably not going to result in more closeness, care and affection.

But from a mood that low, it was starting to make complete sense to me to share ALL of my disappointment.

That’s a direct effect of the unfortunate fun house mirror of low mood.

He didn't fall for my low mood and through his actions, he gave instead of flinching.

He didn't retreat, he leaned forward-- which was my entire ask.

He didn't go into a shame spiral or allow himself to fall for any worry or fear that my tone might have inspired.

He approached joyfully.

He didn't accept my sad invitation to have a deep, dark relationship talk. Not because he was avoiding my feelings, but because he responded to them immediately with heartfelt sincerity.

In fact, exactly no one is ever really looking forward to having a deep, dark relationship talk.

Deep, dark relationship talks are a RESULT of someone wanting something else, usually presence, to be witnessed, to feel loved.

If the presence, love and affection part comes first, the deep, dark talks aren't that way any more.

If you put this into practice for yourself, let me know how it works for you.

Elizabeth Stone, Transformative Coach