The Silent Habit That Destroys Connection (And the Simple Way to Fix It)
Doing this is like wearing a beehive on your head and trying to drive a car
Recently I told one of my clients to put his relationship first.
Understandably, this seemed to conflict with my earlier suggestion to put himself first when they weren’t together.
He was genuinely confused. “How do I do that? How does that work?”
Here’s what I told him:
Right now, when you’re with her, you’re in the habit of entertaining all this unhelpful problem-focused thought.
You’re lost in how to please her, how to do the relationship right, who is to blame for the problems you’re having, what your recent separation means, and the gap between how your marriage is going versus how you want it to go.
Plus, you’re caught up in every other stray thought that shows up on the movie screen of your mind.
It’s no wonder she keeps saying “things aren’t the same” and pulling further and further away.
Being with you while you’re distracted by all of your imaginary judgements about her and the relationship doesn’t feel good. At all.
All these deep discussions about the relationship are not helping because it’s as though you’re wearing a beehive on your head and trying to drive a car.
Your mind is noisy, the whole thing feels uncomfortable and you seem very distracted to everyone else on the road.
Deep presence is often the first thing to go when we start noticing relationship issues.
The noise in our heads becomes so loud that it drowns out everything else, including those we most dearly want to get along with.
Dr. John Gottman’s research found that almost 70% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable and couples most often fight about nothing.
Nothing.
If instead of indulging in all this problem-solving thought, we attend to others with deep presence and connection, we find that we don’t need so much problem solving.
When I say put the relationship first, I mean put as much of your focus and attention on her as possible when she’s right there, interacting with you.
Even when she’s saying or doing something you don’t agree with.
Don’t think about her or yourself, just be with her now. Say less and deeply listen to her more.
Presence is your most precious asset.
And it’s absent from your relationship as long as you stay caught up in thought.
Most relationship problems are thought problems. And they’re solved effortlessly, now, with an open, empty mind.
To feel more love and connection anytime you want, check out The Love Magnet Meditation.
I originally made it so I could attract romantic love, but it became something so much more useful.
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